I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
