Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
