Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
