I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
