I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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