im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Randomize
