The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize