He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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