I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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