Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
