At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
