9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i out mim tonsoeep
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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