you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
