Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize