before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
