You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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