I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
