Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize