The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
