if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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