I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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