Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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