I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
