You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
