remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
