I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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