i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
