I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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