Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
