Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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