Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
