Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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