I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
