Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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