Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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