They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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