since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
