i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
