im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
