I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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