boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
