My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
