Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize