So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
