btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
