It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize