Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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