u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
