People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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