there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The Olympian is in my bed
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
