Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
