I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
