he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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