First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
