The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
