Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
even my farts smell like vagina
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
