If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
