I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
