I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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