im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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